I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
