At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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