so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
why do cheetos always look like penises
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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