her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
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When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
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i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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