my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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