So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
