Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
