She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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