Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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