i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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