My first STD was from a foam party
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
