its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
