broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
