Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
