I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
