Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
