38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
