also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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