Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you will always have a special place in my vag
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
