Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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