i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
