24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
