Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
