Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
