I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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