id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
