I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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