before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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