Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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