Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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