when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
