It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
