I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
