I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
