"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
