It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
