Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
