sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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