wakey wakey hands off snakey
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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