Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
