We're like a lot better than the average bears
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.