Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.