There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.