Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
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you thought your balls were fighting each other...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
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Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.