good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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