He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
