I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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