...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
