I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
