My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
