i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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