The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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