i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
