god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I wish there were birth control emojis
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
