I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
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she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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