I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
