i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
