hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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