Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
