Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
