sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
