Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
